Michael Bolton’s Netflix V-Day Special Might Just Get You Pregnant

We’re a week away from the most romantic night of the entire year. Assuming you have someone to be romantic with. And assuming your schedule will allow for a date night on a Tuesday. And assuming you don’t hate Valentine’s Day with a fiery passion normally reserved for targets of Cupid’s arrows. But even if you’re super cynical about the whole Hallmark-mandated romance thing, the trailer for Michael Bolton’s new Valentine’s Day Netflix variety show might just give you a stirring. We’re not saying where, but something will be stirred.

Michael Bolton’s Big Sexy Valentine’s Day Special is now available on Netflix Instant, so if you can’t get reservations to that hip little romantic bistro you’ve been eyeballing, you and the sig-oth can always stay in and watch Bolton drop f-bombs like a champ. Just peep this trailer, friends.

Normally the words “Michael Bolton Valentine’s Day special” would fill me with a sort of weaponized disinterest, but this is no ordinary Michael Bolton Valentine’s Day special. Nay, this production hails from the twisted minds behind The Lonely Island and Comedy Bang! Bang! That suggests that neither Bolton nor his Big Sexy Valentine’s Day Special take themselves seriously, a theory given credence around the time Bolton begins menacing Andy Samberg-as-Kenny G with a firearm.

The guest list for Bolton’s V-Day bash is also the tits, as the kids these days are almost certainly not saying. In addition to Samberg, Big, Sexy viewers will get eyefulls of Sarah Silverman, Fred Armisen, Maya Rudolph, Chris Parnell, Michael Sheen, Eric Andre, Janeane Garofalo, Brooke Shields, Adam Scott, Will Forte, and more. And let’s be honest: hanging with those guys sounds way better than trying to reignite the spark during a forced candlelight dinner where neither of you ever put down your phones, right?

Screw going out. Netflix and chill with the Bolt.